A month has past....

A month has passed since I worked in Kuching...and it means a month and 12 days I left my second home...Frankly speaking I do miss all the things there, the students, the friends and even the class. Every day I often imagine what my life would be if I left, mostly negative things, maybe because staying at a place for a long time, makes us not confident of our own ability to survive. If I stayed maybe I would not have the opportunity to explore my own ability. Its true training and teaching are totally different... Now I am exploring my new found ability of creating a focus aims at the end of training...I am proud because I believe my students are falling in love with English...Tik...Tok...time is ticking, and I will be in Kuching for 2 and half months... A lot will change...

Counting the days......

Today, I am actually packing most of my stuffs in a box, and I stumbled upon pictures of students and program that I organized alongside my students, I smiled with each pictures that I hold in my hand, from Blood Donation Program "Berhibur sambil Menderma", school motivation programs, climbing Mount Senyum in Pahang, Serembang 'd' Seremban, Masih ada yang Sayang 1/2/3(A program to help single mothers, the needy and the poor, and also orphans), Tirai Ramadhan, Gempadah 50 (3 daerah) believe it or not we did when to 3 districts in N9 and help the people there in any way we can... and a lot more.. Memories after memories... I may not know whether I am making the right move or decision to let go all that I have put into and sacrifice for the past 6 years, looking at the students and wonders are there more that I can offer them. Most of the students in the picture, graduated with flying colors and still called and sometimes sms... I don't even know what to say actually today...because in my mind and heart there will always be a special place for those who have been a part of my life here. I just don't want to go and maybe looked back and say “I know I could do more for them, and perhaps be a part of their life in the place we called our second home".......

Courtesy : Travis 12 memories

Appreciation...

A short but a very meaningful word. Believe it or not, it actually takes me sometimes to consider whether to write or not to write about my current situation. As some may know that I am going to leave my current employment and move on to other organization. I do wonder am I worth that much until that my future employment is willing to wait and offer me again the post. It is nice to feel appreciated. Appreciation for some may seem over rated but it is a necessities. And believe me that what is lacking in some people today. Saying thanks or even doing something back to repay the kindness of a person may be classified as "not sincere" but logically speaking how we measure person sincerity. A person may sacrifice his or her time, his or her strength, his or her possession for something they believe in, 100% without a doubt, but the percentage will decrease if we fail to notice all the things that he or she have done and it will come to a time they feel as they are being used. My matrix friend once labeled me as a doormat, someone who is easily to be stepped on, a person that will have the word NO in her dictionary. That statement did make me very upset and vowed I am going to show her that I am not a doormat for that moment forth. But even it is hard for me to say, she was RIGHT... and I do thank her for introducing me to that word. All my friends who are close to me also say that "I am too nice that people take advantages and I am too ignorant to do anything... Like I said before, I choose to be used by others, maybe it’s time for me to reconsider is it wise to put my feeling and my heart over the choice that I know would hurt me more.... Think Naz, God gave us brain to think, eyes to see, ear to listen, mouth to speak... and heart to hold all of them together....

My officemates!!!!

My officemates for the year 2009, I am going to miss each one of them, 6 years of working here; there are a lot of memories, both good and bad.

Yasmin Ahmad in Memory...

I never thought of writing this entry, because it’s been a while since Yasmin Ahmad passed away. But lately seeing her advertisement on TV makes me think of the wonderful image and values that she has incorporated through them. The real meaning and values of being a Malaysian. We should be proud of what we can offer those who looks upon us, maybe we are not as strong, or as advanced but we are as unique as we can be. People cry watching her advertisement, people laugh, and we feel that she is portraying the true meaning of Malaysian. A bit patriotic, I know maybe because this entry is written in the month of August... and before I forget, happy fasting to all Muslims where ever you are.

If you are interested in reading Yasmin perspective of the world just click,

http://yasminthestoryteller.blogspot.com or http://yasminthefilmmaker.blogspot.com

Liar!Liar! Pants on fire!!!!!!!

Can lying be classified as okay? Is it right to lie? If it is, what justify the action? One thing I hate is being lied to, as if the truth would hurt us more than lies. But lies become most hurtful when it becomes the truth of the moment. Am I making sense? I don't know, maybe the feeling of being lied to is lingering inside my mind and my heart and I don't know why am I bothering myself with these lies. Should I be mad, should I be sad? What should I be feeling?

What to do?

Have you ever been stuck in your life and you do not know what to do, you ponder your action, you think of you words, you search your feeling just to justify what happened to you... Hmm, actually I am, I do not know why but lately I've been a feeling a bit down, feeling let down, ignored and even hated by others... Is it just me, or it is a sign that I should take time off from the world that I am currently living, and go somewhere where people do not know who I am... Nice thought though, but I know it would never happen. Work have been my life for 6 years, it would be hard for me to just walk away... hehehehehe... That’s life... - Peace out -

P/s: I think I am falling for someone close to me... (",)

I'm back!!!!

It’s been a while since I wrote in my own blog. Well, this is a new resolution, "I will try to write as often as I can...”... ('',). This is because, thanks to a friend of mine, Julie, she said that she read what I wrote in my blog, so it is kind of nice knowing that out there your friends are still reading and wanting to know about u. Maybe not face to face, nor through the phone, but reading about your life in your blog, keeping track of you. Well recently, I quit my master, I was so excited to further my study but the institution that I have chosen was not as I expected, and due to that I quit. Maybe it is true sometimes things are not like what we expected, that's life, it can be disappointing and rewarding but it is the spices of our life, it was makes it interesting and unique.

Believe it or not I am still keeping in touch with my friend in the university years especially my matrix years, thanks to face book. And all of us are rekindling our life in matrix, O.M.G...I was thin back then... (Hmm... a reminder that I should be on a diet...hahahahaha). I miss that innocent but not yet corrupted life.... I miss my matrix years!!!!!!!!! And I miss you guys to... Keep reading, keep keeping in touch, and keep remembering... nothing can bring that life back except for us... Peace...

I wish.....

Sometimes we say this word when we are unable to turn back time, and correct everything that we consider as mistakes. Words that we never meant to say, action that we never want to take, but all we can do is say “I WISH... Sometimes I also think and just picture what life would be if I have taken a different road, maybe my life would be different, like the poem that Robert Frost written "Road Not Taken"... Interesting poem with deep meaning... Maybe we should stop looking behind and started to look forward. What done is done, we just make due... -peace-

Handphone... pleasure or heart ache???

Nokia, Samsung, Sony Ericsson, Motorola, just to name a few, are types of hand phone. The latest the brand is the expensive the price would be. Hmm, but what is the used of expensive hand phone or cheaper one if the main reason for its existence is taken for granted. It is created to be a medium of communication in the world in which if you are too late, you will be left behind. But lately in my situation it become something that I despise, it is not right to blame the phone, the people behind the phone is the main reasons for today's entry. For us not to reply any sms send to us, nor picking up the phone, or even calling back for me seem to be inconsiderate. So what if the sms is neither a bit annoying nor sometimes irritating, we can always say that "Please do not disturb me today, I am a bit busy, I'll get back to you when I am free". This would be better instead of purposely ignoring. Everyone is given the same power of not replying or to be choosy to whom we want to sms, we can always say that "I prefer not to sms with you right now, can we sms later". Maybe the truth hurts, so silence is the only option... True, silence is golden for certain situation, but we should remember that sometimes the sms send or the phone call can be something important that would trigger certain events or situation, by not replying nor picking up, we may cause a person to waste time wondering and hoping for a reply, thus creating the feeling of heart ache... and set in motion some other feelings that would not exist in the first place if we reply or picking up the phone. - peace -

Saying Goodbye......

Many may wonder why I posted the picture above. Both are the pictures of students that have been a part of my life for some years now. And they are also going to leave me, one day. Perhaps I will leave before they do, who knows the future, surely we don't. I like this sentence so much "Life is too serious to be taken seriously" and with them I learn a lot on how to let go and just have fun. And with them I also learn it is hard to say good bye. Sometimes I do wonder why do we love someone if it just mean goodbye and heart ache. Well human is given to opportunity to experience the wonder of loving someone and also the pain of losing one. It balances the life that we live... Just take 5 minutes and think, is there anyone out there that we forgot to say that we love them, better say it before too late, we may regret of not doing so...

Hmmmm......

Hmmmm.... Normal word used every day in sms, which has a lot of meaning based on interpretation. It can have positive and negative connotation. English has a lot of funny words that have different meaning. If I say that I am gay, people would look at you and say "WHAT YOU ARE GAY????" but the meaning that I am trying to convey is that I am happy. So the meaning of a word does differ based on the sentences that it is being used. Interesting isn't it. We Malaysian prefer to translate, thus exist Malaysian English, "Don't play - play" (Jangan main- main), "You don't make my blood goes upstairs" (Jangan bagi saya naik darah), "Like coughing at the side of the stairs", (Melepaskan batuk di tepi tangga). I know that some of you are laughing if you are reading what I have just written.

This is the fact of life about Us, Malaysian and the English Language. Here are some tips to improve your English, it is as simple as A / B / C

a) Start with something simple, a song or just watching cartoon, but without the subtitle.

b) Start to send sms in English, try in full sentences not the simplified version of its.

c) Speak to a friend, try with the words as simple as hello and goodbye, then move on to simple sentences, example 'I just want to say hi".

d) Avoid direct translation any English sentences, because the translation would be a bit funny if it is done wrongly.

e) Build up confident by singing loudly, such as in a in KBOX... (Hehehehe). No one would laugh at you because it is happy hours. Like they can sing better than you.

f) Always have fun with English.

- Peace -

What am I thinking?

Right now I am stuck in understanding my assignment, so I am writing this entry. Last Sunday I watched a movie that I thought would be interesting, boy.... was I wrong. The movie sucks "big time" except for the fighting scene, and there were too much unnecessary scenes. It was an abstract movie how the ideology to kill a man would save millions. And the implementation, and planning towards saving millions require the most genius man Ozymandiaz to lie to everyone he knew and even killing the people that he called friends. Sacrificing his heart and his feeling and also not putting away any hope that he would be understood. The secrets of how he saves million can never be told and can never be gloat, among his friends, nor among the people does he save, because it can kill more... Ironic isn't it, the worst movie I've seen contain the most abstract message in it... So that’s all for tonight... If you want to see the movie, remember I warned you... so have fun!!! P/s the movie was "THE WATCHMEN

Life isn't fair.. so what?

Today's topic is a bit different from others; the previous one is often about me, my life, my work, and me... (Well...it is my blog). This time it is about someone whom I used to look up to. Sometimes I do envy him, with all the "special treatment" that he is given, how people look up to him highly but on the other the hand, the knowledge of it that he has, is from others. I often question why him, not me? Why do people praise him for the ideas but I've being doing it all my life and not even a single person notice it... Is it because he has the ability or power to influence people, or am I too stupid for doing things without considering the power of the word "NO". Like I said before, I choose that, so life isn't fair, so what...? Back to my friend, he was struck with harsh comments from others that may cause him to be awaken to the reality of life, that life isn't always fair, and now resignation from the post has been considered as an option... I used to respect him, looking up upon him as someone that is popular among my peers, right now, I sympathize with him, and I do wish that I am not at his place right now... Torn between things, love or loyalty... I rather be me...... But I wish that he will bounce back, stronger perhaps wiser than before.... peace... (",)

"Choose to or Have to......"

Two simple words that have a lot of meaning, and change a lot of things. When we say "Choose to.." it means what we did it on purpose and willingly, but when we choose "Have to..." it means we are force to do it, whether we like or not. When we say that "I have to eat..." does that means that we are being force to eat... but did we consider that we have the choice to choose whether we can eat or not. So the question is, does the word "have to...” really exist or is it just the words we used to justify our own choices when we, ourselves do not know how to explain our choice of words and our choice of action... Everything that we do in this world is our choice no one force us, because we are the one who says YES instead of NO.
These are things or decision that I identify from "Having to do it...” to "Choosing to do it...."

a) I choose not to work in school.

b) I choose to rekindle back all the years that I have sacrifice.

c) I choose to love those even though sometimes they hurt my feelings more. 

d) Sometimes I choose to be used by others.

e) I choose to hate those who think that they have the right to judge me, and act as they know me better than me.

f) I choose to love a person that is so complicated, and that always makes me wonder if the feeling is mutual.

g) I choose to buy a new car, and give the old one to my dad.

h) I choose not be involved in any commitment for the time being.

i) And I choose to write this blog... (",) 

My last words for the future readers think about all the things, incident, event or decision that we make and take previously, are our choice... That we do it because we "Choose to..." not "Have to..."

The masks we wear..........

I am currently furthering my master, after 5 years of putting it back behind me. Just now I attend a class in which the discussion was somewhat interesting. It was in my counseling class and the discussion was about the mask that we wear and identifying what is our defense mechanism. How many masks do we wear? And why do we wear them? To me, wearing a mask is a way to protect ourselves from things or people that we consider as threat to our existence; it is also a way for us to achieve what we want in any way possible. Does that statement make me a hypocrite? Frankly speaking throughout our lives we used people whether it is directly or indirectly and sometimes we allow people to even use us, hmmmm..... People are complicated, the more we tried to understand the more we questions what we hold before this... But what important now is that "Be True To ourselves"... If we wear too many masks, we might not even recognize the person that is looking back at us, when we look in the mirror...

Having Fun!!!

English Camp Participants and Facilitators

Many people would disagree if I say that learning English is fun. I have a lecturer, his name is Mr. Daniel, and what he said back then has become something that I hold close in my life, he said “If you master English, you will master all". I hate to say it out loud that the English of Malaysian people sometimes can be very interesting to understand (stating it nicely), even the simplest words can have different pronunciation. Then, it struck me, Malaysians like to spell, we pronounce English like what we spell, S.A.TU...... M.O.S.Q.U.E. 

Perhaps it’s time for us to do something before the future generation cannot even understand the meaning of a word, even spelling it wrongly. We can be proud of being able to have one of the tallest building, or having a multiracial environment, but can we be proud if our children are unable to proceed higher in life just because of one weakness, "ENGLISH" .

"I learn a lot....."

"Take time in understanding a friend's heart and feelings, because they are also a human being, they have feeling of fears, feeling of worries, sad and disappointed... They also have weaknesses and also needed friends as sources of strength...often we see they smiles and laughs, but in reality they are not as strong as they seem". (Tasya /17 February 2009 / 00.28 a.m.)

These are words given to me by a special someone who I turned for strength for the past 2 days, what the words says are true, sometimes we see people laugh and smile, it does not mean that they are happy, it is just a way for some people to hide their true feelings, for them, laughing or smiling would "paused" life for a moment and in that time problems seem to fade even for a while. I used to do that, pent up all my feelings inside, and just smile and laugh in fronts of others as if what they say and do cannot even graze my hearts, tears will not drop, and I will not cry for anyone... but people change, as time passed by I learn to love others who are not my family, those who are around me, my course mates, my best friends, my office mates, my students, and some of them hold a special place in my heart. I never regret to have feel this feeling, it makes me more human, and reminded me that even I can love someone back. I thank ALLAH for giving me the opportunity of choosing this path of my life, I learn a lot and there is one more thing that I have to learn, that is to forgive and forget, because forgiveness is the most powerful tools, it strengthen bond, and it brings back smile and laughter without anything to hide... 

For the person that I care so much, you know who you are, I forgive you...and please forgive me back because I am still learning in asking for forgiveness.... 

Blogging mania!!!!

Two posts for one day, hmmm, maybe I am addicted to blogging or just a lot of pent up feeling.. My mum loves to watch Indonesian soaps on astro, often in astro aruna. And every soaps or drama shows a lot of misery, crying and sometimes unexplainable events, even in the comic relief. Is life really that way, if not why do misery sells story, why do tears act as the main attraction, do we loves to watch other people suffer but we know that we cannot bear the suffering itself.. These are questions without answers, the more we try to understand the more confused we will get. Maybe it is best just to live our life a step at a time so that we can gaze on its beauty, as WE PASSED IT BY, instead of trying hard to remember what we miss when LIFE PASSED US BY.

Faith knows no Dissapointment

Blogging to me was never consider as a tool for me to used often, visited regularly, or just spending time reading, for me, sms, telephone, email and ym are the way for me to keep in touch with everyone. Recently I surf the net and stumble upon blogs belong to my friends, especially during university years, and it makes me full of enjoyment to be able to catch up upon their life, and ponder how much i wasted of not contacting each of them. These are facts that are new to me :
a) Nurul akma is expecting a second child and so do Anis Sabirah Abdullah
b) Lady D (correct me if I am wrong) is Diana Djuraini's blog. (The person that is responsible for some changes in me during matrix years)
c) Julie Marlina or JM has to moved to PD and live her life to the fullest wherever she goes.
d) Bonda or Nani , is married, and with one child. (maybe more.....I should keep in Touch)
e) Mimi and Ablen has a son name Ablen Eusoff.
f) Akma's son name is Ameer Asyraff and very talented in music. (like father, like son)

I know what I have stated can be consider old for some people, but to me, it is new, coz now I know I can always read their writing in their blogs, sharing what they feel, looking at their world through their eyes. And perhaps one day I can share mine....