I've been educated.

The title for today's entry is a bit weird; this is because I learn a lot during my tenure in JB. It started a bit slow, but I ended with some good friends. When you are friends with those who are knowledgeable in certain aspect of medicine as well as life, you will be educated in so many ways. Each and every day here I will learn new topics, from work, life, education even in sex. All of the points and issue discuss are not conversation without points everything is related, and I do take some of the pointers and practicing it towards a healthy life. Now, I am learning to manage my food intake so it will be balance, as well as all the necessary exercises for me to keep fit and healthy. I will miss all of those close to me here in JB, since this week will be my last week. Look on the bright side at least when I leave, all the backstabber and bitches, will be left behind. Thanks to Lucy, now I am well educated in the field of *** education. Hehehe.

Bitches and Backstabbers

Bitches and backstabber can come in any form, small, big, innocent, conniving, sometimes it’s the people who you least expected. Its true never judge a book by its cover, so never judge a person just by what they appear to be. I am a bit annoyed with the bitches and backstabber at my current employment. It’s not my fault that they can't do their job, that they are so fucking incompetent. I learnt through experiences to have the knowledge that I have now, how to multitask and micro managed and I applied what I have and I shared it with other. Well if you are complacent for far too long, any good and positive changes would seem to be a taboo. It seem like my presence here has been viewed as a threat for certain individual as if I am gunning for their posts, believe me when I say the reason why I am working is just to ensure that my intention of furthering my master is within reach, not to sit comfortably and point finger ordering others on what to do, but you yourself is as blind as a bat. Taking credit for other people ideas and sucking up to the administration are also part of the working culture. All I know is that, I can be the best of friend and the worst of enemy. Try me, and you will know. 

Wonder of Reading

This commercial touches me in so many ways. I hope that it will do the same for all of you.

Ctrl + alt + delete

How many times do you ever wish that life was easy as a click of a mouse, a tap of the keyboard, or any functions that we can easily choose to iron out anything that is a mess in our life. Wishful thinking. Well, I am wishing it today, my act of telling a friend the outcome off all the rules and criticisms that I received have let me to lose a friend. Sometimes I don't know what others want from me, I am who I am, at least the honesty that was told to me is appreciated, but indirectly I became reserved from my true self. I am talkative person, I like to have a conversation with anyone, and sometimes I can be a bit pushy and annoying but doesn't mean that I don't respect others. I have my own train of thoughts, I don't find cartoons as stupid and I don't find those who don't know who Beethoven is as musically blind, for me, everyone is given the equal right to practice who they are, I don't think homosexuality is a disease, and being single is a matter of choice. I laugh at my own jokes and others even though sometimes they are not funny at all, I smile all the time, and talk to myself when I am thinking. 

Well, everything is in terms of acceptance, look at others by not judging them, who are we to play judge, jury and executioner. (A reminder for me as well). 


Ctrl + alt + delete.. (Nothing happen) Owh, well, life goes on.

My own little corner

I did not update my blog for a few days, not because I don’t have the time, but I was occupied with my surrounding, my office surrounding to be precise. The inhabitants of the office during 8.00 - 5.30 are only 25 individuals, different working background and experience. I am narrowing down to my department, the academic department, which consist of 13 individuals. Even though the numbers are minimal but the dramas are massive. It seems like each and every day there will be a different episode, a continuance of conflict, disagreements, love, hate, all the recipes you need for a drama series. 

Today, the title of the drama would be "The Case of the Newspaper". It all started with a simple issue of taking the newspaper back home, in which it stirred a lot of dissatisfaction, so the issue was brought up to the upper management, and dealing with it a memo was distributed. The memo acted as action of reprimanding the culprit not to do it again. That memo alone created different reactions all over the office. Some said that it was stupid to issue out a memo relating to a newspaper, other said that, it was the right action to do. A person asked me my view on the issue, and all I can say was "No comment".  Well, the view asking activity did not stop with me, in was spreading to the other staff, just like rallying votes for an election. I did not commented because for me I think that everything should be handle professionally not personally, I guess everyone made mistake that contribute to the drama, the person who took the newspaper home (should ask everyone before taking), the person that confide to the upper management (should talk to the newspaper snatcher first), and the upper management (should think before issuing a memo for something as petty as a 1.50 cents newspaper).

And I observed all this drama , it’s not that I am anti-social, I do mingle and socialize with my colleagues, and I enjoy their company everyday at the office, when I do my work I just prefer to do my work, with my music, my headset and my laptop at my own little corner. 

Three.

I kind of enjoyed myself today, my work went well, I helped my friends at the skills lab, and we had the time of our life. Most of us are stressed due to back to back or continuous accreditations, another terms for work, work and nonstop work. So, we laughed the whole day just to cheer or to keep our spirit up. Problems are always there in any workplace, like I said to keep myself sane "The worst of place to work is the best of teacher". 

I received tons of good news today, 3 news to be exact: (Chronologically)

1. I was called back to Nilai on the 17, (but I requested it to be on the 31st, I just feel I need to settle few things before I can leave J.B.)

2. I got called for 3 interviews for 3 different posts that I can't remember when I applied, 

3. I lost 3 kilogram (finally) 

Well like my mum said, try not to be over zealous in terms of happiness, control your feeling, sometimes sadness may follow (God forbid). But what I know is that, I have been a bit down with my friend's issue, some good news maybe all what I need. (Maybe a lot). I learnt a lot in terms of equipment use by nurses, all they need to know in their work, believe me when I said that I may not be able to be as committed as they are, so I do hope all the future nurses will cherish all the experiences and knowledge, never waste even a single minutes, and how ever hard it is, courtesy must always be practice, we, by the way are Malaysians, famous for courtesy and etiquettes.

A long walk.

I took a long walk today at a recreational park here in JB. Nature has its special way of soothing the uneasy mind. My friend was right I tend to over think everything and sometimes overreact as well.  I guess now all I can do is wait and hope I won't be giving out white roses any time soon. The walk was memorable (I even have the bruises to prove it); I spend an hour exploring nature's beauty.

                                                   

P/s: Wish I had a real camera

A white rose

"All I want is a white rose"

Am I in denial, of what I know and about what is going to happen? It started a few days back, when a friend of mine requested on a white rose to be given to him on a certain occasion. I asked the reason why, and all he said I will know when the time is right. He kept on saying that it will finally give him the balance he needed in life. I was trying my best to avoid not prolonging the conversation, because I don't know how to answer him, he kept on talking about roses, whether it would suit with black,  and how his parents are well off without him. Life for him now is hard, and there is nothing much I can do, I hate the feeling of being helpless and sitting on the side wondering what's going to happen next. I can't get hold of him for numerous reasons, he contacted me through a chat line on facebook, and his final words were, "I miss my mom and dad".

Looking back at the conversation, I know that he meant to say good bye, I was acting dumb throughout the conversation by making stupid statements about hanging out after my tenure in JB end and all other craps, so that he will not keep thinking on suicide. I know that I upset him but in my heart I keep repeating “Dear God, please give him the strength to continue his life, please don't let him take his own life as the only way out of his problems". 

The statement that I will never forget was “One day you will beg to listen to my voice and I will not answer back, all you will have is silence". It's not like that I don't care for him, I do, but I don't want to encourage him that suicide is the final answer. The honest truth is, I don't know what to do and what to say, not even a degree or a master or the wisest justification would prepare me for this. My hope is that he will stay strong and survive, don't make me regret of not having the final conversation. When I joke that I may not be able to give him by hand and can I courier it, he said "You will not do that, I know you, you will come and I will have my white rose". 
Yesterday was our last conversation, but I do hope that he will say hello to me for the coming days. 

To all the women of the world..

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size

But when I start to tell them,

They think I'm telling lies.

I say,

It's in the reach of my arms

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It's the fire in my eyes,

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing in my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can't touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them

They say they still can't see.

I say,

It's in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed.

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It's in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

the palm of my hand,

The need of my care,

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me. 

Maya Angelou 

Captain Planet and the Planeteers

I accidentally watched that cartoon this evening on Channel 9. That was my favorite cartoon when I was in primary school, and cartoons were the reason why I am good in English. Back then there were no subtitles, everything was in English, adapt or you will lose all the wonders of television, so I chose to adapt. From that point onward I studied on my own, making dictionary my best companion ever. I would spend my Saturday and Sunday morning in front of the television watching cartoons and learning the language. Who said, cartoons are not educational. Beside my love for books, cartoons are my Achilles heel. 

Captain Planet was an icon for children then, to do their part in conserving the earth. It shows how children can help in making sure Mother Nature would survive the raging development, and that was over 20 years ago. Kinda a foreshadowing of the future how pollutions of all sorts will massively invade earth. 

I sat on the couch, and watched until the cartoon finished, with a smile on my face, reminiscing my childhood past.

I don't care how other perceives cartoons, for me they rock!!! Then, now and always... hee. Like Captain Planet used to say “The Power is yours”.

Please!!!! Be creative

It’s Saturday night, normally people would go out with friends, hanging around, just "lepak - lepak", out on a date, etc...etc...etc.. The main point is they will go out. I do love to hang out depends on the place that you would go, not that keen on shopping complex or mamak stall, and also depends on the company. But overall, I am a homely type person, I would stay at home and spend time alone or just with family. Currently due to the reason I work in JB, I prefer to stay home. Tonight, I stayed home with a friend, she came for a sleep over, don't mind the company, it's nice to have someone to talk to for a change instead of sitting in front of my laptop and chat.

We watched a drama on TV3, (I would prefer to read actually), and the story aroused the love life of a blind man with a woman who has weight and appearance issue, so the conflict begin. For me the story was cliché, that was forgivable, the scripts and acting sucks, and the worst part was, the ways that they come out with to create dramatic or heart wrenching scene in which fails miserably. I was squirming for two hours on the sofa, wishing that the drama to end (my friend was enjoying it so I have to endure two hours of bad acting). I do pray in my heart that our local script writers, directors, whoever is responsible for the drama and film industry, please be creative, don't underestimate your viewers, they do have brain to think. 

My friend wasn't that into books, tried to talk to her and discuss about the books I am currently reading, but she prefers the drama. So, I just kept the book on my desk and refrain myself from reading them. Finish 3 out of 4 books, need to make sure that I will have ample stocks of literary works for my coming Saturdays. I am not a geek, I just like reading, it’s fun, just wish I have someone to discuss it with, every Saturday or don’t mind every day.  

"Orang macam kita" or "People like us"

I have finished reading "Orang macam kita" or "People like us" in two days. I don't know why, I am not impressed with what I have read. Some of the short stories were adaptation from foreign writers (in which I believe, it would be best read in its mother tongue or English), some are new local writers branching out and showcasing their talents. A bit confusing on my part, not on the issue that were discussed, but am I that lack of creativity until for me some of the stories are a bit boring, sometimes too lengthy and too exaggerating in terms of the usage literary devices, metaphor and similes, you name it everything is in there. Throughout my reading, I was translating each and every word into English so that I would be intrigue to finish a short story. Like I said, I prefer that book to be in English maybe my perception would be different. Quoting from a friend "We should welcome new writers, only they should be able to write at least to a minimum standard."

I feel like that book is only being used as a continuance to the book "Body2Body (will be reading that), to show that however hard people pressure the gay community they will live on through writing and literary works, in the effort of "educating" or creating awareness. My personal point of view is, in doing so, one must make sure that the standard of writing even for new comers should be set at par, in order for a book to accepted as literary work (despite its genre), if not, it can only be perceive as words on papers compiled into a book, but the impact maybe ambiguous and vague. In order for a book to inspire, it need to be well written and well thought, even in translating it. 

P/s: Not that I am a good writer, but I do know my limitation. I doff my hat to those who writes and published, at least you have the courage to be read and criticized. I can accept the book, but it is not my favorite. 


But the stories that are interesting for me was a discussion on the Gay Icon in Malaysian Film (Hanya Jauhari Mengenal Manikam) and Rabak (a brother hatred towards his brother's lifestyle)

Does falling in love or forming a relationship, require a handbook?

I am questioning myself on this topic because out of conversations and discussions with friends, some of them provide details pointers on love and relationship, some just provide more confusing examples of the do's and don'ts. Really, is relationship that complicated, or we, who are in the relationship, tends to complicate things? 

I am just curious because sometimes for me the examples are a bit absurd and do we have to do that. Take for example, pet names, or just calling someone abang or sayang, or baby, if we don't call that name in text or face to face, it will cause the partner or the counterpart to sulks. If we don't allow him / her to hold our hands when we are walking together, it’s a sign that we don't love them, if we don't say I love you every time ending a conversation or starting one, it means that we don't love them. Is everything, every thought, every movement, every text must indicate, signals or means something?. People say that I am not in a relationship so I will not understand all of this. But I do understand one thing, relationships means trust and respect, if we trust our partner and respect them and even their time, I guess it will work in any relationship. There is no such thing as smooth sailing, problems, issues and conflicts will occur, just take a step back before we blow everything out of proportion. "Every good conversations starts with a good listening".I will call a person sayang, or baby or anything, when I am sure that, that person is the one.

But if anyone is writing the 'Love Handbook' please make it easy to understand, hehehehe, maybe called it "Handbook of Love for Dummies".

Teaching old dogs new tricks.

We used that proverb when we are talking about educating someone who has years of working experiences. It is not as easy as quoting the proverb. Today's meeting was interesting, because it shows that sometimes the new generations can also contribute to the development of an organization that is full of seniors. I have the utmost respect for all the seniors due to the experience their have throughout their working life. But sometimes being shun or ignored because your age or because of your years of working experience can be a bit annoying. True that we are young, true that we are lack of experience and true we can be labeled as raw or green. But it doesn't mean that we can't contribute in terms of ideas or provides intellectual opinions on an issue. Do ask, because sometimes the new can awe and surprise the old. Believe me when I say that age is not a benchmark for wisdom. 

Friends.

We made friends since we were young. If your age is 31, that's mean you made friends maybe more than 20 years. But we also made enemies along the way. Sometimes we tend to be influenced with our friends, peer pressure as they say. We tend to listen to friends more than we listen to our parents throughout our growing years. Well it's the normality of life; maybe some of us were or are not affected with all the dramas involving friends. All those dramas contribute to our train of thoughts, to our judgment, to our sanity and to our growth and development. At least our life is not just a monotonous line indicating the death of someone, as a reminder, friends are only extension of our family, like anyone in our life they may leave us one day, but it doesn't mean the relationship formed should be severed. Just use your better judgment in understanding how far you should self sacrifice, the important thing is you should be happy.  (",) - ngee -

Stereotype

I am back in Johor, I arrived here at 4.00 pm, and started to unpack my things and clean the house. I had dinner that was packed by my mother. Well, the weekend has turn out to be series of unforgettable events. I shared what I had felt with the passing of my grandmother with a friend, whom emails will always make my day.

I started my morning by sending my mother to work, we talked a lot about my experience in JB, and the conversation was interrupted by a car that kept on pressing his brakes. I was getting annoyed with his action, so I started to nag in the car, finally I passed the car and the driver was a senior citizen. My mum said “See, he is an old man, that why he is driving that way” when  she finished her sentence the old man pressed his gas just so that he would not have to stop for the red light. I guess it is human nature to stereotype everything and anything just to justify or provide reasons for the issue at hand. For example, if someone is driving carelessly, slowly or annoyingly it must be a woman, if a car is park in a very awkward way it must be parked by a woman. I bet if I ask around there will be a lot of stereotype given to justify any actions despite the gender of the doer.

I had my fair share of being stereotype, due to how I dress, how I walk, how I talk, and the best one is due to my choice of being single. I am according to some, playing hard to get, too choosy in choices of men and the best one is I am a lesbian. So between those 3 choices, which one fit me well, I am really intrigued.  

A death in the Family (a lesson learnt)

Life has a funny way of being cruel, I went back to my hometown to celebrate my birthday with my family (1st January), Julie's wedding with my matrix friends (2nd January), but end up attending my grandmother's funeral the next day. I was awakened at 3.00 a.m. by my mother telling me that my grandma has passed away. My dad immediately started his car and speed of to my village in Kuala Pilah, leaving my mother, myself and my sisters behind. That Monday was the first day of work for my eldest after 3 weeks of holiday, the 2nd day of work for my youngest at her new employment and my 3rd day in Seremban. 

When my mom woke me up, there was a moment of silent on my part, not because I was taken by surprise of the news, but because I was contemplating of an urgent appointment that I have to attend on that day. I was having conflict inside of me in choosing where to go and what to do, and at that brief moment, I almost chose of going to the meeting instead of attending the funeral. That was a very unforgettable feeling, a feeling so awry, putting the value of money against the value of family. I hated myself that moment and I cried for the next hours condemning myself of even having that thought.

I went to the funeral and helped in any way I could just so that I won't feel guilty of having that loutish thought. I tried my best not to cry at the funeral but I fail, tears were trickling down my cheek when I saw each and every one of my grandmother's sons and daughters knelt and kissed her forehead. Even my cousins who are men, were not shy to show their love and feeling towards my grandmother, they cried, before, during and even after the funeral. 

I do hope that I am strong enough not to have that feeling of selfishness ever again, putting a price tag on something as priceless as family. 

The Year of Love

I know that the title maybe a bit corny, but I am savoring the moment that this year started with a great event. It started with a wedding, the solemnization of Julie Marlina Hassan and Eiky Ekida Putra (hope I get the name right), in which the friendship between me and Julie went back since 1998. Our friendship were a bit rocky when we were studying together, cat fights, disagreement, even came to a point I once said I hate her, maybe the feeling was mutual. Well, like I said before we were young, most of our judgments came from the heart not the brain. The whole process of the solemnization was interesting, and I actually smiled throughout the process bearing in my mind, Julie finally found the love of her life. I met with Anis, my best friend / my roommate during matrix, with whom I shared most of my adventure in the art of patience and virtue, even though we are best friends it took a wedding to finally end the 8 years draught of not meeting each other. More good news is that Suzie is expecting her first child, she looks as radiant as a newlywed, you can tell that the baby with bring joy and strengthen the bond between her and her husband. Liana, is worried she will never find someone to settle down with, but the year is just beginning, I bet she will find Mr. Right, soon. (Amin). As for me, I promise myself that I will live my life in 2011, with the enthusiasm and tenacity, in terms of love, it is hard to tell, let just see how thing goes, it is still early. Who knows, maybe 2011 is THE YEAR of LOVE. (",). 

Books, books and more books.

Believe it or not in my village in Sarawak, when we were in primary school, my sister and I were famous. Because we actually open a library full of the old books, storybooks, magazines, Archies and Jughead comics, whatever things that we consider as reading materials and children our age sometimes older or younger would come to borrow books. We even had a system.

I love reading, I love and I enjoy every moment with a book since I was young. My dad used to work in the army, and I like to follow him to camp, he would do his work while I would spend my time in the library. I read Enid Blyton, Edward Stratemeyer, and Edgar Allen Poe, whatever books there were in the library as long as it is in English. The passion for books continue when my eldest sister also share my love for books, story books, fictions, she bought R.L Stein and Christopher Pike collections. I would find myself a corner and read, sometimes over and over again even though the ending would never change. My choice of books back then may not of literary values, but I enjoyed engrossing myself in them. In secondary school, I tried sharing books with my classmates, I even volunteered as a NILAM prefect, a student mentor assigned to groups of students, listen to them read in English and help them to understand the content. 

Even now, my heart grows fonder for books, and I am trying to rekindle the magic that reading has on me when I was young. I received a book as a birthday gift for my 31st birthday, the first book I received as a birthday gift when I was 13 years old, now I am receiving a book when I turned 31. I do hope that I will always fall in love with books; I did purchased two more books yesterday. I know that greed is one of the 7 deadliest sins, but I can't help myself, I am in love. (",)

1.1.11

A brand new year!!!!