Venting out!!

Need to vent out..so here goes !@!@#!@$!@$#%$^^*()((EW^%$^%$%$#@@#~!!!!! - owkey done. Feel much better.

Glued

Since early December, I found myself glued to my chair in front of my laptop every night finishing my assignments and take home exam. However, even though all classes related tasks have been submitted, I am still glued to my chair and in front of my laptop every night, tying up loose end.  And I am doing the same at work, marking exam papers, quizzes, assignments, finalizing students' paper works, documentations for the school (minutes & exam papers) and etc. It is not that I don't have a social life, I do, but I would end up in front of my laptop, glued to my chair after I had my fun. 

At least I am blogging in between to make sure that I am still sane. Any how things are getting better. (",) 

I am single, but I am happy. Hehehehe. 

Hey there

Hey there....care to catch up?

Secrets

I send an email to myself, venting out on all the things that currently hammering me down. As much as I love my family, telling them the issue I am facing will only take me away from what I have planned. I am not running away from my family, I am trying to build something for myself. My mum keeps on saying she is not against it but it doesn't sound convincing, my dad keeps on giving options that is not in favor of  me, and looking at my sister, how they would struggle if I actually proceed with my decision. Even though everyone seems nonchalant about it, there is a tiny voice in my head that keep on saying "your decision is affecting others". It can easily be resolved just with me saying yes and pulling the back the letter that I sent. 

There was one question, I never think too much about the answer "When is the time that you would actually feel lonely?" You can be in a room with a lot of people, friends and family, but you feel like you are standing there all alone. I think right now I am in that place, I miss the time someone actually hug me and let me cry on  (........) shoulder and say to me, "things will get better, I promise, and I will always be there for you". Hmm, I guess I am just overwhelmed with emotions, that I feel I need someone to make it better. Now I know how hard it is living with secrets, a lot that I wanted to share but I can't.

Come on Naz, things will get better, just have faith.... (",). And D has been nothing but very supportive. I am grateful, thank you. 

Chin up

I am screwed!!!!! Chin up.

New life

Went out yesterday, and met some new friends. It was a very interesting gathering. After the gathering, D and I went in search of my new house (not actually a house, just a small flat) hehehe.  I was doing the driving, as if I know where the place is,and D was patiently giving me suggestion so that our search would be more efficient. Finally we found the place, and according to D, it is my new bachelor pad. Looking at the place made me remember the plan I made previously when I was seeing someone, "Our little home plan". It would be an awesome project for both of us but now it would be an awesome project for me, a start of my new life.

D is an awesome friend, I know she was irritated with my poor sense of direction but  she stick with it through thick and thin. Thank you babe!!! Hugs!

*Sniff*

I hate being sick. It impedes me from doing my work, to think logically and even to have appetite to eat. And my voice like my colleague said sounded like a chipmunk or daffy duck. Hopefully this is not going to be for long. *Sniff* 

Paranoid.

Colleague A: "Last year she roughed you up pretty bad, with back to back classes, examination classes I might add, and non stop marking examination papers in which each classes is more than 100. Plus she stirred up trouble for you with the academics as well as  the management" 

Colleague B: "You build a very thick wall, that you can actually stand sitting in a room with her and not talking and what good about you is that you never gave in to the pressure that were put on you"

Those were one the responses that I received from my colleagues when they started talking about me leaving, and my strained relationship with a.k.a.k. 

Naz: "I don't hate her, it is just that we are not talking. We can never see eye to eye on things."

Listening to them telling me about last year, made me smile. I am glad that finally people are seeing the truth, and I am happy to know that I wasn't paranoid when I felt like I was gunned down and being the target of someone's unspoken and unresolved issues. 

Malay Language

I am finishing a translation assignment for a book, trust me,  I am struggling since my Malay vocabulary is not that comprehensive. However I am reading it and interpreting it based on my own understanding. My track record of my Malay language achievements since schools are not something that I can be proud of. My mum often made fun about my Malay especially my writing. When I showed her my SPM result which was great but when she saw what I got for my Malay Language, she looked at me, shook her head and said "Anak negro celop, BM pun cukup - cukup makan" she laughed out loud, leaving me with a very clueless expression.

p/s : Thanks D, and littlemisssunshine for keeping me company when I was doing my work. You guys were great distractions.

Sleepyhead

Dodo

Kankan 

This is how my cats spend their day.   

Gifts

"I come bearing gifts for my dear companion as sign of my gratitude and I do hope that you would like it". (Dodo). I am just imagining what my cat (Dodo) would actually say, it is a holiday and I am bored. 

Interesting selection of gifts, I received, one dead cockroaches, one large dried leaf, and few twigs. 

Today...

I have a habit that every time, when I am sad, or I am down, or when I am faced with difficulties in which I don't know how and what to do, I would make stupid jokes, remarks and laugh about them even though they are not funny. 

Today, I laughed a lot at my stupid jokes, remarks and not so funny things. 

10 minutes

Today was the school first meeting for the year 2013, and it was my last. The meeting started at 9.30 a.m. and ended at 3.30 p.m. As usual, it discussed mostly on the planning of each unit and committees of the school and it is being chaired by the dean. In one part of the meeting, the dean acknowledged my intention of resigning, she asked what has been discussed with my ED, I informed her what had been discussed. My dean made a statement "What is the need for me to have a talk with you, if you have decided to leave the college, and I wish you well".  Then she actually mentioned a name of the person she interviewed to be an English lecturer, and he is the son of her friend. Immediately she dialed the HR extension and had a conversation with the HR executive which ended with her saying that "The HR will bring the issue up in the meeting with the management tomorrow". Before moving on to the next agenda, again she wished me well on my new venture. All of the decision making process of replacing me where done in front of the entire school members and me. I still have two more weeks and I really wanted to talk to her about my decision to gain her insight on the matter. However that 10 minutes conversation between her and the HR (plus with the entire school committee listening as well as me) changed not just my intention but also my perspectives and my respect for her. 

mak..o..mak

When I arrived home after my tuition session, I told my mum I have informed my client that I am moving and if they wish to continue my services they have to reschedule. My mum looked at me and said "Are you serious about moving out and changing your job, I thought it was just a phase?"

Alah, Mak nie!!!!!!!!!! (face palm)

am happy!!!

I logged in, I saw the grade, I screamed, I ran out of my room, straight down to the living room, skipped few stairs and jumped in front of my mother. My mother looked at me and said "Eleh, only two subjects, owkey". 

I know that I was over reacting but  with a lot of things going on last year, I doubt myself of even finishing a simple assignment. When I looked at the grade, I jumped up and down, unable to contain how happy I was. Last semester was hard, emotionally and physically, and a lot of things I wish I could share with my mum,and I believe that she would understand why I am affected looking at those grade. 

I am happy! I am happy! I am happy! I am happy! I am happy! I am happy! I am happy! I am happy! I am happy! I am happy! I am happy! I am happy! I am happy! I am happy! I am happy! I am happy! I am happy! I am happy!I am happy! I am happy! I am happy! I am happy! I am happy! I am happy! I am happy! (I am annoyingly happy!!!) 

Challenge accepted (",)

Right after we parted ways, "A" went to KL and I drove back to Seremban, he texted my sister, and soon after found the courage to call and ask her out. So throughout the drive, I had to endure my sister girlish laugh, mellow voice, cheesy and corny responses to whatever that they were talking about.  It lasted for almost an hour. During their conversation, a lot of things were in my mind. No wonder "A" was around our booth, trying to struck conversation with me, no wonder he as so nice, and even asked me out for lunch or dinner when we have time, all of that is because he wanted to get to know my sister. I was a bit down when my sister started to spill all the information, and acting like so girlish about it. She asked my opinion, should she go out with him, and get to know him, calmly I response "You should go, keep you option open, you are a beautiful young lady and anyone is lucky to get to know you". Honestly, I wanted to give her a different response, maybe even stop her from getting to know "A". "A" wasn't even my type, I guess I was envy of her getting all the attention.

My sister asked me another question "Why, does he wants to get to know me?". I told her "Hey, look at me, I doubt that he wanted to get to know me, I am the opposite you. I don't know how to be or even to act like a woman, unlike you, you can even wear heels in the middle of nowhere". Sometimes I do wonder what it feels like to be pursued, having someone wanting to get to know you, or having someone to ask you out on date. At times when I look at my sisters, I questioned myself, do I have to talk like that or act like that or dress like that, or wear make up like that? I guess I just have to wait for someone to fall in love with me for who I am, and bringing out the best and the woman in me - maybe someone who is willing to quote Barney Stinson and say "Challenge accepted". (",)... hehehehe

Lucky Charm

I volunteered to assist my sister on her PLKN road tour to Perak but something happened that made us changed our plan. And due to that my sister nicknamed me her "Lucky charm". Chronologically this is what happened:

Friday (18th January 2012)

Took the day off to renew  my road tax - sister used the car to go to work - looked for my wallet, can't find it, then remembered it was in the car - called my sister, she drove back home - both of us went to renew the road tax - looking for I/C found Yati's driving license - discussed with sister, changed destination from Perak to Pahang - went back to the office to settle things - late evening drove to Pahang, stayed at Yati's house, passed her license back. 

Saturday (19th January 2012)

Had breakfast with Yati - drove to PLKN camp in Temerloh - met with "A" and Kak Azni, plus others - finished at the Temerloh - convoyed to Raub with "A", Kak Azni, and few cars - arrived at Raub - finished at Raub at 5.00 p.m. - said to good bye to new found friends - make journey home to KL. 

Why did I said that my sister nicknamed me her "Lucky Charm" because today, two guys wanted to get to know her, and she managed to liaise with Kak Azni for a collaboration. And tomorrow she has a date with "A". All of this was made possible because I had to renew my road tax before we went to Perak and changed our destination because I found Yati's license in my wallet. 

A week.

Met with my ED today. His first word when we finally sat down to talk was "Why?". At that moment all the scripts that I have practiced to answer his question seems to be irrelevant, my mind went blank. I paused for a while, then I answered, "I have been offered a new post, by a company in KL and I have made up my mind that I am going to accept the offer". And again he looked at me and asked "Why?". I justified my reasons of why I am leaving and when I was finally finish, calmly he said, "If that is what you want, you should have come to me. I apologized of not seeing your potential before, and it is my mistake. We have worked together, and it would be a lost for me to let you go". I looked at him and smiled. At that time, my heart was getting ready to jump out my chest, and again I replied "I gave myself 2 years here, either I am going to be holding a post or I am going to be doing something new and currently is neither". He gave me few options, asked me to give him a week, and told me that it is the least I can do since I did not see him sooner with my intention then come again and see him after the week has passed. Another week to ponder "to go or not to go".

I never had the opportunity to sit up close and personal with him, but today I can see the lines on his face, how different he was since the first day I saw him giving a speech at the staff assembly. A face of a man who dealt with decisions day in and day out, who has the final word to say "your are fired" or "you are hired".. The thought that crossed my mind was "How he has aged".

Sucker punch

I watched "Sucker punch" last night that actually made me glued to my seat. All I can say is that the abstractness of the movie, implore a wide perspective of how a person perceived the journey of finding freedom should be viewed and how it can be formed as mean of escapism. What do you expect from Zack Synder, he directed Watchmen - a movie on group of superheroes against their deadliest nemesis - themselves / a conflict of morale and ethic and well as 300 - guts, gore and glory. 

A good literature

A good literary work is universal. It can be appreciated by many and adapted into any culture despite its language of origin. It doesn't discriminate its readers, it enlightens them.

Good morning everyone!!!

We said our final goodbye and I have found closure. A new year, a new chapter, a new adventure and a new me. 15 more days and counting... tick..tock..tick.. tock

The final goodbye

We said our final goodbye today.

(Not so silent scream)

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(really need to talk it out, before my head actually explode)

Doors

I went through door frames 24 times today, just to have lunch with an awesome friend!!!  (",)

Annoyed

How annoyed would you feel about people rummaging through the packed lunch or breakfast that your have brought from home? How annoyed would you feel if someone comes to your desk while you were having lunch or breakfast and start to pick off the side dishes you bought and yapping constantly that it left you with no room to have lunch in peace? 

How annoyed am I? - Maximum level!!!!!

Easy?????

I just found out from a friend that she was dumped by her boyfriend on the 28th December 2012. The reason was because the guy said that my friend prioritizes on her PHD more than him, because lack of attention he dumped her. Then after 2 days, the guy wanted to get back together again, and she said no, maybe because this wasn't the first break up. Until today, the guy has been harassing her, calling her at all hours, going to her place, to an extend she went back to her hometown few days ago. All these issues are affecting her study and she started to lose focus. I am not good at counseling people, so I just listen and at the end of the conversation I said to her "You can do it. I know it sounds cheesy but I am an avid supporter of living my life no matter what". I do sympathize with her having to run or hide just to fend off the harassment and I just don't get it how easy it is for some people to break a person's heart and expect it to be all patch up, just by saying "I love you, let's be together again".

Thought for the day...

Eh???

Last night I had a very peculiar dream. The dream started with me going out with my friends, and normally our conversations are quite universal, so we talked about anything and everything (PG 13 and all). All the sudden some familiar faces started to appear. I saw my ex ("bee"), my third, fourth and fifth sisters, and my third sister's boss. My ex ("bee") acted as if we are still together and my sisters seemed to know all my friends, we were sitting around this big table and our conversation was drifting towards sexuality, in my mind at that time (what is up, with all these people being here). Out of the blue, there was a voice over "The nominees for the President and Vice President are......." I woke up, took my towel, showered and got ready for work but all those time getting ready, the only thing in my mind was "Why is there a voice over...suara Rahim Razali pulak tu!!!!"

Ssshhh...secret..

I would do anything for my mum. I do try to give her some pocket money for her to spend for herself and I have been doing that since the day I started working, I guess all of us do. It just that I went through rough patches few years back, it put a dent in my financial standing, and I was unable to contribute as much as my other siblings sometimes I didn't contribute at all. And I felt guilty. Mostly I would be pick on by my siblings as if I don't care much for my mum, I know that they meant that as a reminder for me to monitor my financial, but I don't know if they realize that the comments they made really hurt. Every time Raya, or any family events, I would give to my mum, and  tell her, don't tell anyone, it is between you and me. Anytime my mum request for me to buy things, for the house, such as breakfast if my mum wants a rest from cooking, I would gladly do so, and tell my mum don't tell my siblings. A lot of occasions I would tell my mum, it is a secret between us. My mum knows that sometimes when my sisters commented or criticized me, that it hurts my feeling, and she will go the kitchen and make me a hot tea, and sit in front of the television with me and make silly comments or jokes just to make me smile. I would smile back to her and put my finger on my lips and said shhhhh.... it is a secret between us. 

Surprise!!!!

Now I write a lot, about anything and everything. 

So, it has been 7 days since the New Year. A lot of changes happened, till this date, surprisingly most of my colleagues can actually come to work early, as early as 8.00 a.m., 30 minutes early from our designated working hours. Not just that, they even go back home late or sharp on time instead of playing truant. Well, it has been brought to my attention that my Deputy Dean has voiced our his concern that he was disappointed that we misused or took advantages of his good intention of not imposing strict working rules and regulation for those under the department. I guess people assumed that no matter what is his position, he would not even raised his voice nor dictate any disciplinary action. Time change, people change, and some changes come with surprises. (",)

(Silent scream)

Argh!!!!@#!###%#$^%$&%^&%$&$*(^&(*^&*)*(_*(&%^&%$^#$%!!@#!@%#$%$%#%$@ argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A gay cat...

I bought collars for Kankan and Dodo today. Kankan is the one I rescued from an engine of a car, and I gave him to "Bee" as a present since "Bee" loves blonde cat so much. Dodo, is the one I rescued with D after our Hari Raya visiting to Sue's house, and  both cats are staying with me. I bought Kankan, a pink color collar and Dodo, a blue one. When I put them on, my mum looked at me and asked "Why is Kankan wearing pink and Dodo wearing blue? I answered "Well the color suits them both". My mum just smiled and said "Kankan is so so gay".  

My mum and her gay cats theory..... hehehe

P/s : 

Kankan  is wearing pink because "Bee" requested that everything with Kankan has to be pink. It's "Bee's" favorite color. Even though we are no longer partners, I am respecting the request. As for Dodo, D said that Dodo should wear blue, so blue it is. (",)

Facebook

Avoiding my facebook for the time being. All my married friends from my school are posting pictures of the children first day of school, with a tagline "mummy and daddy are proud of you""anak abah dah besar" "macam tulah anak mummy".. and etc. I am not being a scrooge, but they tend to reminisce even about their first day of school.  

The - ing process. (",)

Lying, tossing, turning, thinking, tossing, turning, thinking, deciding, imagining, talking, lying, talking, thinking, waking, sitting, standing, switching, sitting, thinking, composing, typing, thinking, talking, tapping, scratching, thinking, complaining, grunting, typing, day dreaming, sighing, sighing, sighing, composing, referring, scratching, sighing, and head banging......

This is me contemplating about my assignment which is due today. The moment I went to bed, until I woke up this morning. 

Where are you going???

Since my resignation was made known to most of the staff here at  my current employment, I have been asked a lot of questions to where I am going. It seems that issue of me, resigning was discussed in the monthly meeting among all of the Head of Services.  I had no intention of informing anyone here, to what my plan is. Today, my emcee partner asked "Are serious about leaving?" "Is your decision final?" "You have potential and it is waste for you to leave".  I just smiled entertaining all those questions. I have been called for a meeting with the executive director tomorrow to discuss on my resignation. The tiny voice inside my head said "Owh man!!! resigning is tiring, it is a lot of work".

Almost

A lot of things happened today. I almost got into an accident, not once but three times on the same day. Since my accident early last year, I became a bit edgy, especially with people who stopped suddenly, and people who followed my car closely. Twice it happened today, the second time, I can even hear the tires screeching. After the almost missed incident,I felt like my heart was jumping out of my chest. Before that occur, a crazy man was pissed at me for driving slowly and he was trying to pin my car to the railing by the side of the road. After all those, instead of continuing with my journey to Damansara, i turned and drove back home.

I guess I am still psychologically affected after being sandwiched last year between a Nissan and a Toyota, due to the driver of the Toyota lost control of his car and hit mine. I thought I was perfectly fine, until today, when the sounds of screeching tires almost put me in a panic mode.   

Normally, if I encountered anything like this, I would immediately dial a number and just talk until I feel better. But today, I just froze looking at my phone and wondering who should I call for comfort. Owh well, live and let live. 

The hobbit: The Unexpected Journey

This is my personal summary of the movie;

It is a story of 14 men's journey to get from point A to point B, and they encountered many obstacles, and fought many monsters and enemies in the process. When they almost reach their destination.... *to be continued*

The end.

It was a fun movie to watch tho.. (",)

A whole new me!!!

The first post of the year, should not be depressing.
Chin up!!! It is new year, new things, new hopes, new dreams. And whole new me!!