I can only smile

I can only smile, looked at the watch and said "It is 7.30, it is time to do the program"
I can only smile when a person called and said "Where is the bus? The bus is not here"  -  It is 7.30 a.m.
I can only smile when a person texted and said "I am still at home, I will leave in 5 minutes"  - But it is 7.40 a.m. 
I can only smile when a person called and said "Please handle the program in the hall first, I am in Kajang, and I'll be late"  - It is 8.30 a.m.
I can only smile when a person called and said "Akak, will be late with the food, pakcik forgot to prepare everything".  - It is 8.55 a.m.
I can only smile when a person texted "The bus is on the way there" - and it is 9.25 a.m.

I can only smile when I saw everyone arrived almost at the same time at 10.00 a.m.
I sat there and talk with "mak" the caretaker of the house, from 8.15 a.m. until 10.00 a.m and all that I can do was smile.
I can only smile....

The actual time that the program suppose to start was at 8.30 a.m and the bus was supposed to leave at 7.30 a.m.  Even though it started late, everything was settle based on plan, and we finished everything at 2.00 p.m. 2 hours more than the time we plan.
Don't get me wrong I am grateful that program achieved its goal, I am just disappointed with the justifications and reasons that can be avoided.

Promises

“The promise given was a necessity of the past:  the word broken is a necessity of the present”
Niccolo Machiaveli

Tomorrow is the execution of a program, a charity project by some of colleagues and I for a children home in Seri Menanti, and on the same date is Fiza’s wedding, one of my closest friend during my tenure in JB, and also the convocation of my ex PTPL students. Well, I do wish I can attend all of that. My friends in JB keep asking if I can make it, and my students said that I promise to be there for them the day they graduated. I am feeling a bit guilty for promises that I made before hand, as if telling everyone promises are meant to be broken, easy to make but it is hard to keep.

There is a day in everyone’s life, when we made promises, but we failed to keep them. Some grew guilty conscious, accessory after the fact, others just brush it off. Like I said I over think everything, blaming myself for making promises without thinking of the consequences, and I know people would say, let it be, they will understand you have to work. I know that my friend and my students will forgive me. I am sorry for breaking my promise; nothing can justify the reason why. 

Insensitive

I guess I am getting a bit insensitive or overly insensitive. Currently in this week alone, my life was turn upside down one way or another, not to whine or complain, but like a friend said "When it rains, it pours". First my phone, then my laptop, and the finale was my car, oh well, that's life... Anyway in relation to today's topic, I just notice how insensitive I am of other people when I am occupied or too focus with my work. If I want something I want it, so I tend to block reason or justification. I guess time is turning back, when work and only work was the focus of my life. "Tido bola, mimpi bola.... for me Tido keje, mimpi keje" hehehehe.. To everyone, sorry yek.....

At the receiving end.

There is some truth to the statement, that sometimes things are too good to be true. If it is true it may not last for a long time. For the past 3 weeks I feel like I was walking on thin air and as the feeling grows, I even said to myself I must have done something right to deserve someone special in my life. Then maybe I may have done something wrong to end up losing that person. Am I that hard to be loved or to love someone? Am I just the type that only fit as a friend? I may not know all the answer on how people perceive me, but I know who I am and how far I am capable to love a person. Love is process in achieving compatibility, and it can never be force, due to that we parted ways. At first I can smile and laugh about it, but when I look back at the emails and conversation we had, I never notice how much I was hurting to an extend I cried.

It is suck when we're almost close with someone, but we destroy it with the stupid mistakes that we do but it is even suck being at the receiving end.

I will do what I do best, put a smile on my face, and acted like nothing happen.

“I evol uoy, rof eht nosaer taht neve I t’nod wonk yhw..... I tsuj wonk uoy era eht eno.”

Sleepless night

I do wonder how many people tossed and turn every night in their bed, and woke up sighing, dreading to go through another day. Maybe some reasons for sleepless night are questions that will never end. I have my fair share of sleepless night, countless time, and mostly because of work. Missing datelines, unresolved management issues, anticipation of executing programs, as well drama from colleagues. Well, in the graph of life there is always ups and downs, no such thing as a straight line indicating a serene and peaceful life, unless you are.... you know what I mean. Another day, another night. 

Need to know basis.

I will tell you what I need you to know. I am not being secretive nor am I being an ass, if I am all that I won’t be writing a blog and telling everyone my every thoughts and feelings, as well as sharing the events that occurred. I guess that I am a bit tired of how “kepochi” a person can be especially in the issue involving relationship. Someone actually removed me from her / his friends list just because I told her / him off. Personally for me I will tell my side of the story in due time, and I don’t need any free psychiatric advice on how to live my life or go through my relationship. I appreciate the help but do offer them when I am the one asking for it. Harsh as it may seem, this is my thought on what happened when I finally voiced out my opinion to a friend.

P/S: I am applying the need to know basis rules on certain issue of my life. Be happy for me as I am happy for how each and everyone leads their life.

Instant maggie mee

"Senang di masak , sedap di makan"... My favourite when I was in my university years. But this entry is not about food, it is about instant artists. Now, begin the fever of Akademi Fantasia, where some Malaysians would go beyond their limit to support their favourite soon to be artists. My personal opinion is we are flooded with artists who have the believe that they can actually sing, more on quantity and less on quality, and also all the reality TV shows that are selling them hope of being an artist. But who am I to judge a person's dream and their mean of achieving it.

All I know is that, I may not like sitting for two hours listening to them sing, but the two hours I spend with my mum and my sisters, laughing, commenting and conversing is priceless. It is not my cup of tea, but it is worth enduring when it comes to family...hehehehe

Love at first sight

Love is in the air!!!! Sound familiar? Well, currently the topic of love is the hottest issue at my workplace, in my office to be précised. It was brought up twice back to back, maybe more, because I kind of lost count but there are two conversations I remembered well. One was with two of my colleagues, the other one was with a person in which people would say it is inappropriate to talk to a person of higher post about something that is personal. But she brought it up, so I was compel to converse with her on the issue. The conversation with my two colleagues was on match making his cousin with someone that really want to be in a relationship, she wants to settle down, but with no avail due to her independent as well as having a successful career or maybe she hasn't found the right person yet. The conversation prolonged not just about her, even we shared our hope, dreams of finding someone and trying to justify why our previous relationship fail. The conversation ended with a good laugh but I think personally all of us were thinking on the issue silently.

The second conversation was the one that I found interesting, because she found the person she wants to be with within only 2 weeks. Meeting the person online and going out with him, has made her decide that he is the one. As usual, I asked her a lot of questions, because for me I am not a firm believer of love at first sight. She managed to sum up my entire question in one answer, "I just know that it is him I want to be with, he fills the gap". She went on telling me about the guy background and how serious he is in meeting her family, it seem that time is not the essence when it comes to love. I wish her well, she deserves to be happy, and everyone does.

My "makcik - ness"

What is "makcik-ness"? It is something that can be associated with your attitude and how you carry yourself in certain situation, more or less, it is your reaction either verbal or non verbal (body language). My "makcik-ness" is very transparent when I am thinking about something, because I tend to over think everything and that will lead to a lot of conspiracy theories, in which that theory will lead me to say or do something that should not be considered. Take for example, the day I was caught off guard by my mother, it doesn't stop there, I thought about the question a bit further the how, why, when, where, all the wh-questions, and that caused me my good night sleep for that night. I also have the tendency of  thinking too much whether a person would actually like me or not due to my minor issue about my self-esteemed, because I don't view myself as beautiful nor as interesting enough for people to get to know, but I keep advising people "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder", how ironic is that? Maybe I should stop to think too much and try to smell the flowers along the way instead thinking about what awaits me at the end of the line. Life is a journey it is not a destination.... See, my "makcik-ness" may kick in at anytime, so better I just stop writing...hahaha. 

If am in "makcik-ness" mode, would you love me just the same....... (Makcik naz) - (",)

A life lesson

It's been a while since I feel so happy just reading short stories. Last night *ym ovel* shared short stories with me written by SAKI. It brought up all the memories I had during my university years, when reading short stories was part of the syllabus. Something that was just a curriculum sparked my passion more for reading. I always feel that I have the flare to be a writer, even though *syok sendiri* or self absorbed as it may sound, I wanted to write about my perceptions of life, I wanted to share with everyone how I viewed things around me, any issue, anything that is worth writing, because life itself is a never ending story. 

There was an activity that I always do during motivational program call "Graf Kehidupan", in which you have to plot your life on a piece of paper, and scale the level of happiness and sadness that you feel during that period of time. I did that so many times, and I have been given the opportunity to listen to life stories of others, their happiness and sadness, their pain and joy. Some even made me cry, and it taught me the most important lesson of all "We should never say that our life is hard, because out there are individuals who suffer more than we do". I would never trade my life with anything; I would never look back and regret the choices I made, what happened in the past, made me to be the individual I am now. And I am blessed with having the company of friends, family and love one.  

Mentality

This morning started with some statements in which I kind of dislike, "English is hard to learn" "It is a dry subject" " people will be bored learning language". The ironic thing is, those statements were made by an English Lecturer, as what we perceived in debate "Shooting oneself in the foot". I never understand why people keep repeating English is hard, for me English is just like any other languages that require individual to learn, it may takes time to master it but once you have master it you will master all. (Mr. Daniel, Matriculation Lecturer). 

The mentality of society should be different based solely on generations, but for English, it is stagnant, perceived by all as a colonial language since the day of our grandfather and up to now in certain places or school in Malaysia. Most of my friends are English school teachers and I respect them for being in the system until now. I breached my contract and opted not to be in the system because I pictured myself in 10 years time as a teacher holding a long cane, and doing rounds at the school corridors and dreaded having to be in classes due to the mentality that is fixed towards learning the language, and the bureaucracy of some schools is absurd, getting more "A" is important than ensuring students can really apply the language. I have met some students who obtain “A” in English but can’t hold a decent conversation. I do hope by time those teachers who really fought to ensure students get the knowledge that they deserve to be better in English would be appreciated, and those teachers who think that teaching the language is not worthwhile, do consider a different occupation. Don't do it because you have to, do it because you want to. 

I bet if I said what I have said out loud, people would glare at me, and perhaps say “Macam le dia tu bagus sangat”. I am not giving excuses or justifying the reasons why I did not go into the system, it’s just the glimpse of me in that future is not the choice I want to make. Salute to all passionate English teachers all over the world, you guys rock!!!

Speechless

My mum caught me off guard today by asking something in which I am unsure on how to answer. It was something that I least expected since I never do anything to trigger her to think that. I know some people tend to be judgemental, such as, if we go out clubbing, it means that we are social hence the association with alcohol, cigarette as well as drugs. If we dress sexily as if it defines us to be slutty, if we are single, thus we tend to be choosy to whom we are getting married to.  And I know my mum is not one of those people. I guess maternal instinct comes to play, it must be right that no one knows you well except for your own parents.

I laughed with my mum at the dinner table saying to her how interesting the idea would be, we laughed our heart out, but deep inside I was speechless, and in my mind were bubbles of thoughts fill with theories to the question that was sparked by my mother, and telling her is not an option I would consider.

Possibilities

I was right, 2011 is full of possibilities. I guess sometimes thing started a bit late but patient is a virtue. It is nice to have the company of a person who can make you smile just saying hello, or make you grin just by email, the anticipation of waiting for the emails itself is something. I learn a lot from my friends about the do and don't of being in a relationship, the tips and trades of the game. And all of those can only be sum up to one important thing, TRUST. That word alone can ensure the smooth sailing of a relationship or practically ruin one because lack of it. Someone actually said to me before, "What do you know about being in a relationship, you never been in one". Believe me, all I did was I smile back, because for me, there is always someone for everyone. That is the truth.... 

You talk, I listen

I talk, you listen,

If you are jealous,

I will kiss you,

So that you will know I love

(ouy evol i. )

Negative vibes

The aura here at my workplace currently is a bit ominous, and too much negative vibes. I am not saying that I am such a good employee, I do have my flaws, but one thing I know, when I am given a task or jobs to do, I will do my best. Complaining, cursing, or being stress and tension is part and parcel of work. But now I guess, I am a bit affected due to the negativity around me, hmmm, seriously I don't want to be consume with all of the drama, problems are everywhere, how we deal with it determine who is the better man. I love working here, but I guess the mentality of some people needs to be change, there is no such things as smooth sailing in everything. 

Big breakfast mania!!!

31st of March was the last day of the BIG BREAKFAST MANIA, a promotional event by Mc Donald in promoting their line of breakfast. They gave out coupon in which an individual can redeem 2 big breakfasts for free with any RM 5 purchase. I was among those who waited patiently in line with my colleagues just to finish off the coupon, in that moment of queuing, I was able to watch and observe how KIASU most Malaysians are. That event brought out the worst and the ugly side of Malaysians.

Some let their friends queued for them, when it was their turn from two people it went up to 10, thus pushing the line behind, people that queued behind them can only mumble because no one would want to make a commotion. It doesn't stop there, a lady behind me, keep pushing me and my friend using her belly, I do hope she was really pregnant so that I can forgive her, because whatever she did, the line won't budge, and finally she gave up and left. The most worst of people was hogging freebies. A lady went up to the counter and asked for a plastic bag; at first I thought it was for her leftover, I was wrong, dead wrong. She went to the condiment stands and started filling the plastic bag, with packets of sugar, salt, black pepper, grape jam, spoons, forks, everything was grabbed by her, she almost clean the place up, she even dare to go back to the counter and asked for another plastic bag. 

I guess people just have different value in them, for them it would be okay to act that way for some it may not be acceptable. For me all I can say is that we have brains to think and also conscious in our heart, do what portrait us as Malaysian, born and proud of the tagline that we often listen on the radio, watch on television and read on billboards. "BUDI BAHASA BUDAYA KITA!!!!!!" Practice it.