*sigh*

"The art of pleasing is the art of deceiving" (French proverb)

I've been experiencing an overwhelming gush of emotions at the office, it is enough to last me for a lifetime. But when I get back home it is a whole different drama. My third sister is visiting for a while, she, being here, put a different type of pressure on me, my mum tend to push me to help my sister in finding employment. I do try my best, but at times I have the feeling that my mum thinks all I am giving her are excuses.

I have my own personal side income that I embark  based on my skills and specialization. For the past few days my mum keep insisting that I bring my sister along for a project that I will be doing next week. Instead of doing what she wants me to do, I enlisted the aid of my student solely because he has vast experience in conducting activities for leadership camp and has been doing it with me for the past 3 years. When I told my mum my decision, she has this disgruntled look, as if I am purposely doing it, not giving my sister a chance to actually participate. I am just looking out for the best interest of the client and I don't have time to train anyone currently. Even my eldest has the same look as my mum.

Too much of sighing lately. It is hard to please everyone, sometimes I feel like I can actually die out of trying or drowning from all those sighs.  Please give me a break!!!!

High and Mighty

Lately, I was overwhelm with emotional issues, mostly arises due to work and my HIGHLY EDUCATED colleagues. The issue with the software contractors has been brought up to the higher management by the "lady" that acted as the middle man / woman in introducing the software itself. Her ties with the upper management is unquestionable "fiber optic kinda cable". Due to my outburst, now I am labelled as a problematic staff, to add insult to the injury, even my colleagues whom I respect share the same notion as well. 

Yesterday a meeting was held, after all the agendas had been discussed, I was blind sided for half an hour of finding faults in the so called JUNIOR LECTURERS, being bashed with work ethics issues, coming from those individuals who contribute to most of the problems. It's like listening to the pot calling the kettle black. Several rules have been imposed and some I think was a bit absurd. 

a) We shall not associate ourself with students because it is not within our standard to so. Students shall not eat with us in one table nor we shall eat or drink with them out of our working hours. Riding in our cars are prohibited.

b) Those who doesn't have master are mere individual that shall not be given bonuses and can be omitted from the organization. 

c) Thy shall not disrespect the SENIOR LECTURERS because our education is higher than you, and you shall be treated like small children if we deemed as fit. 

d) Telephone shall be picked up no matter what. 

e) If the management asked you to crawl just crawl. You are not confirmed yet, so don't act as you deserve to be here. 

Those are just a few things that were mention. I am said as the individual that is responsible for tarnishing the department reputation, and now the department has been considered as a problematic department. HELLO!!!!!!! you guys were labelled as problematic before I even join the department, and FYI most of the staff dislike you guys, you are too high and mighty to notice it. 

This is just an entry to vent out the issue plaguing my mind and my heart.

Like "H" said to me "Halal for them to do, but Haram for us, we are not that highly educated". A piece of paper that they think give them the right to act like assholes and bitches. 

Sunday movie.

"Sunday is the Golden clasp that binds together the volume of the week" (Henry Wordsworth Longfellow)

I would never believe I would say this, but KL Gangster rocks!!! The story is about "Malik" (Aaron Aziz) a repent gangster who did time after being framed by his former gangster - mate "Shark" played by Shamsul Yusof. After serving 5 years, he wanted to turn his life around and opted not to be involve in the vicious world of gangster. His family was ruined due to his previous decision of being one of the most powerful gangster lord in KL along side "King" making him the target of King's step - son "Shark". His brother "Jai" (Ady Putra) and his sister "Zati" (Sheera) were also dragged into this life of crime. In the movie, the climax would be when "Malik" goes after "Shark" for threatening his mother and killing his best friend "Fadil" (Zizan), and the conflict between two brothers were resolve through fist fight and the theory of the last man standing. 

What I can honestly say that, I was surprised how strong the bond of friendship is between gangsters, how they hold strongly to idea of "Terhutang budi". Good acting from all the actors, my favorite character would be "Ajib" acted by Sofi Jikan. Some fight scenes may look choreograph  but they were awesome, and even comic relief by Zizan was not that bad, the ending however was not that impressive. 

I watched this with all my family members, my mum even said "Ha, apa lagi, pukul lah, mana aci pukul manual, pukul auto, ha pukul - pukul, tendang je celah kangkang, confirm tumbang", my sisters and I laughed our head off, while my dad, he can't do anything except shaking his head "Apa lah bini aku nie.." 

It was a Sunday evening well spent, kinda took away the blues of having to work early Sunday morning. 

Eh???

"The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown" 

(Albert Einstein)

A Malaysian proudly said in front of two foreigners that Malaysians can't speak proper English because they are not native speaker. This was used to justify one part of a software I am currently testing, when I inquire the difference respond between a statement and a question. The software wrongly indicate a statement as a question, when clearly the intonation doesn't concur with it.

I don't know how to perceive the answer and that is not something I prefer to used when explaining to my adult students who will follow the program. Through  out the training, most of my questions in relations to the language discrepancies in the software, were answered repeatedly "You are not a native speaker, don't expect to be as such". And all were answered by a Malaysian that is so busy promoting the software, whereas the person responsible in designing it, the two foreigners, prefer to be off hand. I am not inquiring on how to sound like a "mat salleh" all I wanted to know was the proper and correct explanation, the mechanics of the language itself.

Malaysians looking down on other Malaysians, what else is new.

But I am proud to be an English speaking Malaysian, being educate locally lagi... (",)

How I wish

"My wish isn't to mean everything to everyone but something to someone" (anonymous)

Today
How I wish,

For someone that can hug me to relief all the stress that currently burdening my mind and my heart,
For a soft whisper to my ear and say, "Don't worry, be strong, everything will be owkey",
For a kiss on my forehead, that will wipe all my tears away.
How I wish.

There is not magic lamp that you can rub and a genie will grant you three wishes,
There is no shoes that you can tap for three times and think that there is no place like home,
There is no delete button that you can press and everything will be owkey,
There is only THREE words that you can utter silently .... "HOW I WISH"

My train of thought after a massive argument with my head of department.

The "arse" in me.

"It's better to pissed off than pissed on" (anonymous)

Life has been a bit hectic for this past 2 weeks, with software training in the morning, practices in the evening, and tuition at night, I do wonder why am I subjecting myself to all this physical and mental torture, but at least it is keeping me occupied from thinking about relationship, a subject matter that I am avoiding from all angles.

Well, this week I acted more like an "arse" in making decision, I put my feet down about leaving my volleyball team, I don't tolerate excuses anymore (no more shade of grey area, just black or white), I told my boss my piece of mind about a colleague of mine whom I currently despise in terms of her attitude, I even became a bit strict towards my siblings if they have any issue with me and I am currently so critical and judgmental towards the language software that is require for us to used in training staff in the health care profession. I look for mistake or any discrepancies in the software that I can argue as well as critic, because for me I am not going to make a fool of myself during training due to glitches that can be avoided.

I can't blame it on the hormones, that would be last week, I don't even know why, but  am I a "scrooge" in the making? A question that I rather not know the answer. 

The right thing.

"To know what is right and not do it is the worst cowardice" (Confucius)

I can't sleep, hence resulted in this entry. I love to play volleyball, I may not be a superstar but I give my all when I am playing, injuries, and bruises are just mere trade of the game. Something happened tonight during practice that have me think on doing something that is drastic, I am thinking of pulling out from the team. I made the final selection but at a price of sacrificing those who really are dedicated, and committed, never once miss training and always enjoy themselves when practicing. I knew about the list of dropping out some of the players but none of them knew that they are being dropped

I have this theory that I am in the team because I am responsible for the students that made the selection, I am the one who bring them to practices and the one sending them back. I think the fear of losing these students who are amazing players just because I am won't be attending practices are the main issue in our manager's mind. They also lowering their standard or their ethics for giving a place for a very problematic player, a diva in my opinion. I guess winning for them is everything. I am in it because it relaxes me, it keeps me occupied. I may not know what I am about to do is the best thing, but for me it is the right thing. 

I sounded a bit emotional, aren't I? Blame it on my hormones. 

Conflict of Political Theory

"You may fool all the people some of the time, you can even fool some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all the time" (Abraham Lincoln)

If I talk about politic I know some people would never view my point of view or opinion as serious. But I do respect everyone's opinion as well as argument no matter what side they are. Both sides whether the government and the oppositions have their flaws, and no party on earth or even in any countries are perfect. Because there is no way that you can please everybody. For some people, they say the "Bersih" campaign or rally is something that is wasteful and can never be taken seriously, for me, just let them march, because that is the way they believe would make people realize how serious the issue plaguing the election is, as long as they are willing to accept the consequences of their action, they do not need to be "booed" or deemed as self absorbed pricks or any other name calling. For those who are making statements on television, in newspaper, putting up banner of going against the rally in the name of nationalism, neither should they be "booed" or be deemed as such, because they are also doing what they believe is right. But there is a fine line between being passionate on what you believe or just being overly emotional. However I do pray that it is going to be a peaceful rally, in which it will not paint any negative pictures of how Malaysians really are. Muslims have been deemed as terrorists due to 9/11, it will be a shame if due to that Malaysians are deemed as uncivilized.

Mudslinging between some politician from the opposition side as well as the government side is almost similar to the playground politics that we used to be involve when we young, "my mother / my father" is better that "your mother / your father", "if you can do this, I can do it better", "I have this and you don't" and when something happen during the game, someone got pushed, or feeling got hurts, no one will take responsibilities thus begin a new game of finger pointing. 

Both sides can do anything and say anything they like but they should never underestimate the power of the people, when the day come, people will come a decision who they believe to have their best interest at heart and vote. Instead of making empty promises or bad mouthing the opponents, educate the people of their right. Looking at the positive aspect, having oppositions is a great way to keep the government on its toe, because people know that they have other options. 

Do remember oppositions and government can never run away from making mistakes, or being tempted in doing within the concept of 7 deadliest sins, they are just mere human , they are not saints. 

This is just my opinion. Let's discuss never argue. 

(But if there is a rally for one single school system, I would do my best to support that)

Flip of a coin.

I wanted to write a very lengthy entry just now, but I change my mind. All I want to share for today is, I am pissed at a friend for trying to put the blame on me for not having someone yet in my life. Her attitude changed after she got engaged and soon to be married. According to her, I am wasting my life by waiting for someone, I should be out there looking for eligible men as what she did. She said if my ex is willing to pay me RM 5k per month just quit my job and do as he requested, that is not to pursue my master or build up my career. But after I am married, discuss with him again to continue what I have plan. Come on lah babe!!! Dulu cakap lain sekarang cakap lain! How easily people forget.

Shoes....

"Give a girl the correct footware and she can conquer the world" (Bette Midler)

Shoes..shoes...and more shoes... Sometimes I do think that shoes are women's best friend compared to diamond. I am stating this through my observations of my sisters and most of my friends' shoes collection. Many types, different inches of heels, different brands and most important thing is every shoes is a match for an attire. As for me I am not a fanatic of shoes, anything that is comfortable and affordable would be my choice.
Today, I went out to shop for a pair of shoes for work, as usual I have problems in looking for the right size. It happens too often to me that I find shoes shopping as an annoying activity. When I was young, during my teen years, shopping shoes for Raya was excruciating, trying one pair from another, having clashes of opinion what was owkey and what not, and finally finding the right size. There was one an incident I think when I was 15 years old, in which my mother and I as well as my sisters agreed on a pair of shoe that was the perfect one for me. I tried it, I walked around the shop and I was pleased, when I took it off, I looked at the brand and I looked at my mother and said "Biar betul!!!!!!, nie kasut budak - budak lah, brand pun KIKI LALA". But what choice did I have, that was the only pair that fit nicely.